Coulda beans are the cruelest legume

There are quiet little moments when they’re small and still. Tiny little specs in the mosaic of a full and complex life. Work, family, whatever else you spend your time on.

Then, from nowhere, they pop up 3 sizes, 3000 sizes and suddenly they take over. All you see, all you do. Everywhere you look, damned coulda beans.
It’s not like you put them in a pot to soak overnight.
Nope, they sprout up all on their own.
This week, the end of ‘kidergarten’ (montessori casa) for the boy and the impending school switch to grade one brought the beans in full force.
I used to walk my pregnant self to his school imaging both kids growing and learning under that roof.
Instead, he’s being sent to grade 1 at a public school as his current school can’t accommodate his sister, and our finances can’t accommodate all her accommodations and his tuition.
He’ll be fine. She’ll be fine. It’s me that’s not fine.
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT the coulda beans shout.
Beans aren’t supposed to talk. Shut up, be quiet… turns out beans don’t listen either.
Then they bring their friends.
They sing “they coulda been going to the same school and running through the park holding hands and wrestling and snuggling and calling each other names and playing copycat and driving you crazy”.
“You were supposed to buy cute sandals and go to ballet class and chase a pink blur in fairy wings and…” they just keep going, spilling out all those “things” all over everything.
deep breath.
little cry.
deep breath.
ugly cry.
deep breath.
Straighten your hair. Wash your face. Hug your kids.
deep breath.
Try to remember there’s no point in getting caught up in what a bunch of beans have to say.
Watch those f’ing beans shrink back and away, knowing they’ll be back, and tell yourself you’ll be ready next time. More prepared.
Buy water proof mascara. Who are you kidding?
Accept they will always be coulda beans lurking in the shadows.
But know if your heart if you spend all your time there, in the shadows with the coulda beans, you’ll never spend any time in the light.
And despite all that has come to pass, the light is a glorious just the same.
 Glorious Light

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